The Ballad of Mr. Rufus & all his pals

Part One

*Warning—this isn’t actually a song*

After Rufus met (insert name here) he fell in love. Good for him. However, this time their relationship did not end abruptly. (*remember E.R. exploded in an explodey explosion*) He & (insert name here) went on a boat tour of Texas, and (insert name here) made Rufus take flying lessons so he could fly planes. Rufus didn’t like this, cuz he doesn’t think flying is quite nifty at all. Instead, during his ‘flying lessons’ he went to bars. Rufus, somehow able to think ahead, took a green crayon and a piece of construction paper and wrote: “Rufus Taylor has suksessfully compleeted the air fliing stuff kourse” and gave it to her, making her happy. Then she asked him if he’d take her for a flying vacation. Rufus, being übermental, said “Ok, what a wonderful idea!” For the occasion, (insert name here) bought Rufus his own plane. When he sat in the cockpit, he had absolutely no idea what to do. Instead he yelled “I’m drowning” and pretended to have diarrhea. Rufus then realized he didn’t know how to spell that, so he smacked (insert name here) for making him seem even more dumb (if that was even possible). He then wondered where (insert name here) got the cash to buy a plane. An angry phone call from his father cleared that up. “What the heck are you doing spending my money, Rufus?!?!” yelled überangry Roger. Rufus went on to explain how (insert name here) had made him take flying lessons, and bought him a plane. Angry, Roger said “I’m hiring Brian to hit her in the head, then for John/the kid herd/Veronica to eat her!” Rufus did not think that was a good idea, as (insert name here) might give THE DEACONS or the herd some kind of mental disease only albino fetus’ have. Instead, suggested Rufus, they should tie her up, put her in a bag, and drop her out of an airplane into a lake. Both Taylors (Roger & Rufus) thought it was a good idea. Only after (insert name here) was tied and bagged did they remember nobody knew how to fly planes. They called Flash (who could fly stuff) and he flew the three of them over the Atlantic Ocean, and they dropped (insert name here). Roger started to freak out, as he’d just realized that (insert name here) was about to drown. Roger whipped out a couple bottles of vodka, drank them überfast, and collapsed, unconscious. Then Rufus realized, just as (insert name here) was falling to her death, that he was in love with her. Then he noticed his unconscious father and forgot about her. He thought Roger was dead or dying, so he tried to do the Heimlich maneuver on him. Roger woke up in the middle of this, and because he was full of vodka, didn’t realize who Rufus was, and tried to shove him out of the plane. Flash yelled “NOOOOO!” and tried to save Rufus (because Flash is a hero). Flash saved Rufus, Roger went to sleep, and (insert name here) drowned and was forgotten.

*the end*

 

 

 

*NOT!*

The next day, Rufus woke up and realized (insert name here) had died. He was overcome by a wave of crippling sadness. Roger (who was hung-over, kinda) showed up with überlots of alcohol and Rufus had soon forgotten about his sadness. After both were good and drunk, they broke into a massive cake store and ate ALL of the cake—down to the last crumb. By the time they were done they were both 365+ pounds.

*the authors now realize this story is about Rufus, not Roger, so Roger’s done with this*

Rufus then went off and did uninteresting Rufus stuff.

*now the authors realize Rufus isn’t interesting enough to write a story about, so Roger gets to come back*

Rufus & Roger then went off and did interesting Rufus & Roger stuff. Stuff like eating cake, drinking alcoholic beverages, and causing damage with their cars. They had fun. Lots of fun. Roger & Rufus fun.

*if you read the Story of Rory you may wonder why Rufus has no children. The truth is, Rufus is much like his father and probably won’t even thing of having kids until he’s 29. Besides, nobody wants to have Rufus’ kids anyway… yet…*

Roger soon realized 2 things: Rufus is dumb & Rufus is boring, so Roger left (temporarily) Rufus continued to do Rufus stuff, like walking down the road cuz he’s too dumb to see the sidewalk, and staring at a crack in the all because he doesn’t know how to Turn on the TV. Roger soon realized more stuff: he had absolutely no idea where he was, or where he was going, so he went back to the place Rufus was at, and began writing songs cuz he didn’t have anything else to do @ Rufus’ cuz Rufus’ place is full of boring stuff like oven mitts & catnip.

Rufus realized he had catnip so he went to buy a cat. It was a very nice cat. It was a nice Sphinx. Wait! Sphinx’s are übergrotesque! Ew… Roger came in, looked at Rufus’ cat, then at Rufus and said “Why would you shave the hair off your fucking cat?” *Bleep!* Rufus said “It came like that! I didn’t shave it. Her name is Fluffy.” Then Rufus looked at Fluffy with a tender look in his eyes. Roger suddenly realized Rufus was in Love with his Cat. He called Dom, saying her kid that wasn’t her kid really much, was übermental. Dom then realized Roger was also übermental. Then, because she hadn’t seen Roger in a very long time, she got backstage passes to a Rod Stewart concert, where she fell in love with him and they started to sneak around behind Roger’s back. Somehow Tigerlily found out and told Roger, who didn’t believe that someone would cheat on him, and when Rog was drunk he called Dom with the “funny story” and Rog broke into a hysterical laughter for a very long time. When he stopped, he was sober. He didn’t remember why he was laughing, so he called Dom to ask her why he was laughing. Unfortunately, Rod picked up the phone. Roger got mad and went to Dom’s house. He did something that’s not important, as THIS STORY IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT RUFUS!

*Rufus time*

Rufus had taken Fluffy on a vacation to Hawaii, where they got married. When he told his mother—no, father (his mom got eaten) about this, he was überhappy. However, Rufus had left out the part about his wife being a hairless cat. Roger came to congratulate them, and soon found out Rufus’ wife was Fluffy. He took Fluffy, chucked her in a box cement mixer, and took Rufus to Dom and said “Fix him!” and left. Dom (& Rod) started to teach Rufus how to be normal, but Rufus was sad cuz his cat wife was (most likely) dead! He ran away and cried for 15 days. He ended up at Cameron’s house. Cameron did something (only God Cameron knows what) and made Rufus unmental, for the time being anyways. They went to clubs where Rufus fell in love for the 4th time with Fifi, JUST KIDDING, Liv Tyler. They got married *authors note: Wow, that was really fast* and technically that made Roger the brother-in-law of Steven Tyler, the guy from Aerosmith with the überhugnormous mouth. When Roger found out her was überhappy—too happy for words. His happiness was bigger than Brian’s hair. Wait—I just said too happy for words. He was EXTREMELY happy anyways. So happy, he bought Liv & Rufus a house in England somewhere! Roger was happy that Rufus had finally found a non-mental girlfriend—wait! wife.

*later on, in Rufus land*

Rufus & Liv went on a honeymoon to Middle Earth. Whilst there they met Legolas, and Rufus learned how to be an awesome elf-archer. By the time they got back, Rufus thought he was an elf. Tard. Liv realized his mentalness and divorced him. Just kidding. She unmentalfied him with her awesomeness (though she is not as awesome, not even close, to the awesomeness of Brian, John, Roger & Freddie) and they went shopping. They had fun. Lots of fun. Überfun. Shopping fun.

*later*

Whilst shopping, they found something no one knew existed before—a Roger (Meddows) Taylor Video Collection! They bought it, watched it, and laughed at Roger. Liv laughed überhard, which kind of offended Rufus, who then made fun of Liv’s dad’s mouth. The two had a mini-fight, but they made up when Roger & Steven showed up and said they were going to release a new album (with the help of Brian, John, and Joe, Tom, Brad and Joey from Aerosmith) Roger & Steven were planning to sing (with the help of Brian & Joe) but Roger soon noticed that Joey wasn’t an überawesome drummer, so Rog took over the drums, too. Anyways, Rufus & Liv stopped fighting and decided to support their fathers’ (probably) awesome new album.

*sometime later*

The Queen (-Freddie) & Aerosmith guys were almost done their album when disaster struck—Anita showed up! OH NO! She had übercrazy hair and tried to eat Joe Perry. Fortunately he was able to beat her to death with his favourite guitar. Then he burned his guitar cuz it was covered with Anita germs cooties. Then Joe Perry went to his other guitars, picked one at random, and made it his new favourite guitar. After Anita died, there was much celebration!

*later, but not too much later*

Randomly Brian decided to tell Rufus about his not-so-secret project. It took a while to explain, and Brian wasn’t even sure if Rufus completely understood, but he told him anyway. Rufus then told Roger, who said “I know. I even got to use it!” Then Rufus went home.

*"later", (very long after “before”)*

Queen & Aerosmith showed up at Rufus & Liv’s house with a monster uber surprise—Freddie! Roger tried to explain to Rufus how he went back in time and got Fred, but both Roger & Rufus lost interest. The two (now complete) bands proceeded to make their album. Then Rufus & Liv bought a massive ice cream company, then called Felix, who came & made it UBER ICE CREAM COMPANY. (but this isn’t Felix’s story, so he quickly left) The Liv quit acting for a bit to run the UBER ICE CREAM COMPANY. Everybody loved Liv & Rufus’ UBER ICE CREAM, and the couple made lots of $$, which made Roger jealous, and he told Rufus to pay for his flying lessons & plane. Rufus did, because he’s a nice kid. Then Roger told him to pay for his house (which Roger bought, btw). Rufus did, because he’s dumb. Liv got mad at Rufus for spending their money, so she shoved him into a canoe, and sent him down the Thames River.

*Later*

Rufus, used to the swiftness of the river, was startled when the canoe hit the riverbank. He then realized he had no idea why he was in a canoe, so he called his father, who also had forgotten why Rufus was in a canoe. Rufus then decided to go home.

*later*

Rufus got home. After his 13-day-long journey of mainly sleeping, he decided to go to bed. When he walked into his bedroom he was frightened when he saw Liv—she was NOT SLEEPING! Rufus walked into the room, tripped on a brick, and smashed his face into the corner of the bed. Liv was afraid he’d killed himself, but he hadn’t. Worried that he’d almost killed himself, she brought him to the hospital for medical attention. On the way, she ran a red light and almost crashed into a truck full of mirrors. By the time she got to the hospital, Liv had used some elf medicine to revive Rufus, because she’s cool like that. Later on, Roger found out, and came to visit Rufus. While there he told him about UBERCLUB and how it was awesomer than he (Rufus) was. Just kidding. He dropped the ‘r than he (Rufus) was’ (making it just 'awesome') Then Rufus (obviously) wanted to go to UBERCLUB and check it out. He & Liv went with Roger and got exclusive all access passes to UBERCLUB, which basically meant they could get in at any time, and they were allowed to go backstage if any band was playing there. Then Rog, Ruf, & Liv drank until the room spun. Not really. Roger did, and Ruf & Liv did other stuff (at UBERCLUB). Then they went home. Then there was a freak snowstorm and Rufus & Liv were stranded in their house. They were forced to survive on Twinkies, Wonderbread, balogne, marshmallows, Lucky Charms, Diet Pepsi, and Cotton Candy. Their TV wasn’t working, and all the entertainment they had was a radio. They didn’t find it very amusing though, as the only stations they got were Mix 96 and CFRY.

*months later*

Rufus & Liv were still snowed in, but there was no snow anywhere else, for some reason. Then Rogelio (ha ha ha ha) came because he needed pants. He was surprised to find Rufus looked uberhappy—a happy Roger had never seen on Rufus’ face before. Confused at Rufus’ uberhappiness, Roger asked why Rufus was uberhappy. Rufus simply replied “I’M WAAAY UBERHAPPY!” Roger pushed Rufus down and stepped on his face. Then he saw Liv—and she was holding (*drumroll*) 5 children! Three of them were all uberdorktastic ubersmallbabies like Rufus (1), one was even more mental—IT WAS UBERMORE UBERMENTAL (2). It had hugenormous eyes like Rufus, and a monster giant mouth like it’s Grandpa (S.T.). It also had uberskinny legs like it’s grandpapy (R.T.), and for some reason, it had an ubersmall nose. The other one just looked like her mom (3). Ok. As they got older they looked less like uberdorktastic ubersmallbabies, and less like fetus’—but remained looking like that some.

*later*

Since Rufus, Liv, & ubersmallbabies (which they named: Rufus Jr. (1), Ted (1), Lenard (1), Agememnon (2), & Penelope or “Penny” (3) ) were low on food, Rog hired Dom & Ronnie to get rid of the snow. Then he hired Brent Butt & Santa Claus to buy food & ubersmallbaby supplies. Then Rog wondered why he was helping Rufus, so he got into his car, ‘accidentally’ drove into their garbage can, and went to UBERCLUB.

*Enough Rog*
(for now…)


When Dom & Veronica showed up, Rufus (who was still uberhappy) had somehow cleared all the snow away already. Liv had brought the ubersmall babies outside to play (since it was actually summer, even though there was snow around the house not to long ago) and Dom & Ronnie accidentally ran over Agememnon with Dom’s Peugot. He died. Liv was mad. She yelled & punched Dom in the back of the head. Dom got angry ‘cause back-of-the-head punches was her signature move. NO! It was Brian’s! Anyways, the funeral for Agememnon was held right away at McDonalds. They buried him/her/it in the ground. (no way!)

*anyway*

Later on Liv realized she didn’t love Rufus Agememnon and it was okay he died.

*more ‘anyway’*

Rufus felt sorry for Liv, and (thinking like his father) believed the only was to make Liv happy would be… HAVE MORE KIDS! He was wrong. Very wrong. Uberwrong. However, Liv (who was not like her father-in-law) didn’t leave Rufus. She just shoved him. Then stepped on his face. Then they took uberdorktastic ubersmallbabies Rufus Jr, Ted, Lenard, and Penny to the 4-H beef sale park. They had fun. Lots of fun. Uberfun. Park fun. Then they bought balloon hats from Ted (the Pug). NOT! Whilst at the park they came across Rory, Joshua, and kids. Philip kept screaming "milkshákes!" over and over and over (and over). This gave Rufus & Liv a good idea. They decided to sell their kids. NOT! They would make an addition-thing to UBERICECREMÉ COMPANY-- UBERMILKSHÁKES.


More coming soon! Don't worry, it doesn't end there. If it did, that would be lame.