The Epic, Legendary Chronicle of the Life and Times of Jimmy May, his wife Kelly Clarkson, and their chums

This is a story about Felix. Well, not really. It’s actually about JIMMY and Kelly MAY! A story where they do stuff. JIMMY & Kelly MAY stuff.

*Anyways*

After they came back from their honeymoon, they wanted to buy a house. Kelly wanted it in Texas (cuz she’s from there), but Jimmy wanted it in England (cuz he’s from there). They started fighting, and then Brian randomly showed up and yelled “STOP THE MADNESS!” Needless to say, Jimmy & Kelly stopped. Then Brian hired the kid herd to make an island in the middle of the Atlantic, halfway in-between England & Texas. Then he hired some other people to build a house. Because there is a lot of hurricanes in vast open waters, Brian used some of his awesome epic power to shield the island (how he did it, I’ll never know). Then he left, cuz this ain’t his story. Jimmy felt kinda bad about yelling at Kelly, so he brought her to see Aerosmith, cuz she likes ‘the vibe of that band’. When she saw them, she fainted. Then they all had a hugnormous backstage party! Unfortunately, Steven thought it would be a good idea to hit on Kelly. Not really. Jimmy got ÜBERHORRENDOUSLY ANGRY and punched Steven ÜBERPOWERFULLY! He made Steven’s face ugly! Not. It was already like that before. Anyways, Jimmy, Kelly, and the rest of Aerosmith went to sleep, then woke up and went to an archery range. THEY HAD LOTS OF FUN! Then Kelly left Jimmy for Brad. NOT!Then they decided to go on a killing spree. ALSO NOT!They just went back to their island home. They took Joey with them (for some reason) but soon realized that was a bad idea. He almost sunk Jimmy & Kelly’s island home, so they threw him in the ocean. Instead of sinking like a rock, his blubber actually kept him afloat and he drifted back to the States.

*Anyways*

Jimmy & Kelly weren’t really doing anything so Kelly decided to make a line of Worldwide Nuclear Ban Now clothes another CD (with the help of Jimmy). It was a relatively big hit, but then Brian came and made it incredible! and it sold more copies. Afterwards, Felix also came and made it ÜBER. Unfortunately, this made it too good for people to survive listening to, and Jimmy got übermad at Felix. Felix apologized, and decided to leave.

*anon (aka later)*

Jimmy & Kelly’s boredom was beginning to grow, so they decided they should find something to fill their time. They wanted to do something that wasn’t already done, but they had no ideas. Then it hit them. Literally! A paper airplane randomly smoked them in the head! They decided to make flying safe. Very safe. Übersafe. Actually safe.

Then they didn’t.

*the next day*

Jimmy was in for a big surprise when he woke up to see Anita beating Kelly to death with an Xbox controller and one pink bunny slipper.

Just kidding!

Actually, nothing particularly exciting happened for 3 whole days! But, on the fourth day, the most exiting thing EVER happened! It was absolutely sunny warmtastic out! The sky was blue, not just any blue, Deaky blue! At night, they saw Jupiter beside the moon and the asteroid that was named after Jimmy’s pa! It was amazing!

*later*

Jimmy & Kelly were getting bored of their island. They decided to leave. They were just about to leave when Kelly thought of a great idea! They could make an amusement park on their island! But not just any park, Rory & Luke’s Land of Awesome (the second). So they kidnapped Rory and Luke and stranded them on the island until they’d built a fun park.

*meanwhile*

Jimmy’s pa (aka Brian) had been out gardening when a meteor suddenly smashed into his prize roses (EXCLAMATION MARK) He was both angry and excited at the same time (period) He called Patrick Moore and Chris Lintott, and the 3 of them had fun looking at the meteor. Then Brian had a huge breakdown and cried his eyes out because his uberawesome roses were CRUSHED (non-emotionally) and most likely All Dead, All Dead. Jimmy happened to stop by, and when he saw Brian’s current emotional state he went to the kid herd’s Garden Center and purchased A Dozen Red (and other coloured) Roses for his father. (Of course, these are actual rose BUSHES not just single flowers) This made Brian UBERHAPPY! So happy, he gave Jimmy a very belated wedding gift (cuz as you may or may not remember, Brian wasn’t that happy with Jimmy marrying Kelly, an American) It was…

Bang!
(no, he didn’t shoot Jimmy, he gave him Bang! The Complete History of the Universe.)


Jimmy felt kinda happy, but also felt kinda ripped-off since 12 rose bushes cost a lot of money, and Brian didn’t even approve of Jimmy’s wedding until a long time after he’d been married. He yelled “WHAT KIND OF RETARDED GIFT IS THIS?!” at Brian before running away with it. This made Brian sad again (because he’s quite a sensitive uberskinny person, you know) and he went off to find Chrissy.

*anyways*

Jimmy found Kelly and showed her Bang! Kelly instantly fell in love with Chris Lintottspace! She grabbed Bang! from Jimmy and sprinted to Brian’s house so he could teach her more about space. Jimmy was NOT INVITED!! He just shrugged it off and went to The Cavern for a Guinness.

*later*

Jimmy thought it would be a good idea to drive home drunk. He was wrong. He died in a car crash later that night.

*JUST KIDDING!*

He soon became bored of The Cavern, so he left to go to his pa’s house to find his wife.

*at Bri’s*

When he got there, he discovered the most grotesque sight ever—Brian & Kelly in bed together!

JUST KIDDING!

He found Kelly had left cuz she felt bad about ditching Jimmy so she left to find him. She’d gone to Nome (Alaska). Unfortunately, when she was in Alaska she slipped on the ICE! most comfortable pair of warm slippers EVER!

NOT KIDDING!

She was so happy with her slippers that she decided to buy Jimmy, Brian, Chrissy, Louisa, and her parents some too. She ended up spending $49 (American) on slippers, then decided to go back to England to give out her slippers.

*in England*

Everyone was happy with their new slippers. So happy they got rid of all the deadly stuff they were going to use to kill Kelly with. JK. They were so happy they went out to eat UBERICECREME.

*later*

Jimmy was still mad because Bang! had made Kelly run away, so he bought himself a new truck. Then he was happy. Anyways, Jimmy has this new truck, so he decides to drive it off a cliff take a relaxing road-trip by himself through the countryside. Whilst on his countryside road-trip he came across his ma. His ma said exclaimed “What are you doing out here by yourself, James (something) May!” She quickly jumped in the truck, shoved Jimmy in the back seat, and began driving home.

*at home*

When Chrissy & Jimmy were back, they saw…

NOTHING!

Brian’s house had burnt to the ground, along with his precious gardens and astrophysicist stuff. Chrissy was speechless, and Jimmy was sad. Then he found out Kelly had burnt to death, too! Then he woke up in the back seat of his truck and discovered it was all a dream. None of the stuff about fire had actually happened. Then he had a Sheer Heart Attack when he discovered his truck was on fire! “AHHHHHHHH!” he screamed loud and lowly. Then his wife Kelly came and  killed saved him! Hurrah! Then the two of them went to Jimmy’s folks’ house to make sure it was still there.

*later*

After seeing that Jimmy’s ma & pa’s house HAD not BURNT DOWN, the four of them went out for UBERICECREME again! Then they went to UBERJIMMY’S. They had fun. Lots of fun. UBERFOOD-eating fun.

*later*

They were all done with UBERJIMMY’S. So, they decided to make an album—again. The song titles:

1.       “’49”

2.       “Tie Your Father Down”

3.       “Far Away”

4.       “Keep Ourselves Alive”

5.       “Sleeping on the Boardwalk”

6.       “We Will Rock Blue”

7.       “Mail Away Sweet Sister”

8.       “Dreamer’s Wall”

Jimmy played guitar & keyboards, and Kelly sang. Then they hired Weird Al to  play accordion for the guitar accordion solo in “We Will Rock Blue”. Then Kelly Jimmy fell in love with Weird Al, and they ran off and got married.

The End!
NOT. (btw, JUST KIDDING about the last sentence with Jimmy & Weird Al)




 

That’s not the end of the story, well it is, but only until more is written.