The Incredible! Tale of Brian Harold May & his chaps
Part One
This story's not finished yet, but I've typed up what's there so far (which is a lot).
One day Brian was uberbored. He decided to do Brian stuff. Awesome Brian stuff. Stuff like stare people down & smile all evily at other people. Then he decided that wasn't fun enough, so he called John. Then they talked about rainbows, kittens, and purses & shoes. NOT. They talked about dirt bikes, broken limbs, and farting. ALSO NOT! They just talked about Brian and John stuff. Awesome Brian and John stuff like... well, awesome Brian and John stuff. After they were done they decided to go to Dairy Queen. They had two reasons to go there -- #1: They were going to sue them for using the word 'Queen' for something that wasn't epic & legendary; and #2: John wanted ice cream. (Brian did not, however, as he was more in the mood for vegetables.)
*after they had ice cream*
Brian and John decided to go snowshoeing, down the sidewalk (because they are not as dumb as Rufus and they realize they could go down the sidewalk, not the road.) Soon they realized this was dumb, since it was not winter time. Instead, they decided to go on a voyage -- but not just any voyage... it was an Ubervoyage!! A voyage to find Roger, cuz they needed his help to make this story more mental. They went to Tokyo to pick up some llamas for riding around town on during their ubervoyage to find Roger.
*after a few days of boring ubervoyage*
They found Roger! He was sitting on a muskrat and eating Oreo Cakesters. Brian said "Hello Rogellio. You're fat because you love eating crappy, overprocessed foods like Twinkies!" This made Roger angry, so he tried to get up and fight Brian (even though that is NOT a good idea!) but he couldn't get up because he was uberhugenormous. Then Rufus came, scared the crap out of his dad, then left quickly. Roger then suffered a series of Sheer Heart Attacks, and Brian had to strap him to a llama & trot on down to the hospital. John didn't want to go because he doesn't like hospitals, and he was suddenly overcome by a crippling fear of llamas. (Poor John)
When Brian got to the hospital Roger was so morbidly obese that no matter how many people tried to bring Roger into the hospital, no one could get him inside, so they had to bring hospital stuff outside to help Roger. Anyways, now that Roger was being taken care of, Brian left & went to his house to see his family (since Brian is not like Roger -- he's very nice to his wife & family). When he got home Chrissy had made steamed broccoli & salad -- one of Brian's uberfavourites! He ate it uberfast then started to walk to bed 'cuz he was ubertired from his (+ John's) ubervoyage, but he didn't make it. He fell on uberhugenormouspillowmountain (the second). Then he started snoring uberloud, so Jimmy rolled him down the hall to his bedroom. Chrissy tried to lift him, but she couldn't because Brian's uberhugenormous! (but not in an obese Roger way). Then Chrissy collapsed on top of Brian (but not in an ubergrotesque way) and Louisa had to come & roll her off.
*when Brian awoke*
Brian wondered how he got to his bedroom, so he opened his sparkly pink diary and wrote: "I fell into a pillow mountain and magically awoke in my room." mental. So anyways, Brian soon realized he was being a bit gay, so he borrowed Roger's evil scientist smile & burned his diary, one page at a time...
*a few hours later*
Brian finally finished burning his diary. He decided to visit Roger (who was in the hospital still), but didn't stay long cuz Roger was hallucinating. Roger kept seeing uberlots of Hot Space stuff. Brian left and came back with some vodka, which made Roger uberhappy. Unfortunately, it also got Brian kicked out of the hospital, since alcohol isn't allowed in hospitals. Brian then went home.
*on the way home*
Brian saw Jeff Beck pop his head 'round the corner. The two of them went to a little sweet shop & started beating people with shoes. Roger came to join in the fun, but he was hit with a shoe and knocked out. (Poor Roger. Not.) Then Jeff came and tried to revive Roger with UBERBUBBLE! It didn't work, and Felix had to come with his uber gum taker-outer (remember - he had to use it on Clare's cat before) to take the gum out of Roger's hair. That also didn't work, and all of Roger's hair came out.
*back to Brian*
Brian & Jaff went to Brian's house. Chrissy saw Jeff and got sad, because she hadn't made enough supper for everyone, so she shoved Louisa into the basement and gave her supper to Jeff.
*temporary John break*
John found Roger and wanted to cut off his hair (remember his barber degree) but was sad when he saw someone had already beat him to it.
*back to Brian*
Brian ate so much he became 600 pounds! Just kidding! He became uberhyper. He began painting his house with Kool-Aid... again. Jeff helped, and soon his whole house was grape-purple and lime-green. Chrissy was angry and started to yell at Brian, but Brian said "Stop yelling at me, or I'll leave you for Anita" and Chrissy shut up. (Poor Chrissy.) Jeff didn't think that was very nice, so he smoked Brian upside the skull with one of Brian's Red Special replicas. Brian mistook the Red Special replica for the original one, and became uberangry & had a Brian - wait no, Roger - fit. This terrified Jeff, so he invited Paul Rodgers to Brian's house. Brian was MAD! He freaked out and went to Anita's house. Jeff & PR followed him, so he grabbed Anita & started smaking JB & PR with her. "Un"fortunately this killed both Anita AND Paul Rodgers! Oh well.
*later*
When Brian came back to his house, he found creepy not-old-man bald Roger drinking uberlots of alcohol. Brian suddenly had an urge to kiss Roger.
JUST KIDDING!
He had an urge to drink uberlots of alcohol as well. He did, and soon forgot about Jeff Beck "stabbing him in the back".
*sometime after the present moment*
Brian realized he'd been quite rude to Chrissy, so he took her on a second honeymoon, or something equally nice.
*after that*
When they came back they found a, no, the uberskinnypuppy. It also had rabies. It came to Brian's advantage when Joe Jonas came by. He told uberskinnypuppy with rabies to attack him. He decided to keep ?USPw/R in the garage, 'cuz Brian likes him now. then USPw/R went hunting for the other 2 Jonas Brothers to kill them. (Good USP!)
*whatever*
Dominique came to Brian's house to visit Roger. Because this is Brian's story, Dom found Roger & they quickly left.
*back to Brian*
Since Brian is nice (not as nice as John, but nice) he decided to start up a dog (not cat, cuz cats are dumb) rescue shelter. Unfortunately whilst on it's quest to kill the Jonas Brothers, Uberskinnypuppy got shooted. Brian found out and got sad, so he called his shelter "The Dog Rescue Center That Was Inspired By and Is Dedicated to Uberskinnypuppy with Rabies" or "TDRCTWIBAIDTUSPw/R" for short. He sent people to look for USPw/R, and he was found, and he DID not DIE! They fixed him up, but he lost the 'R' (somehow), so he became USP once again. Incredible!
*meanwhile*
Roger was laughing and he had an uberminiheartattack. HA HA! Just kidding. Then Dominique told him to stop having heart attacks.
*BRIAN!*
Brian & Chrissy were in for a ubersurprise after their honeymoon. Chrissy was pregnant.
JUST KIDDING!
Brian and Chrissy are not having another kid. Ever. (That's Roger's department.)
*in about 32.125 seconds*
John and Veronica came over and THE DEACONS & Brian & Chrissy decided to go to the Mall of America, but got lost on the way and ended up in Gladstone (tards). They took pictures with Happy Rock and ate eclairs from the bakery. They had fun. Uber fun. THE DEACONS & Brian and Chrissy fun.
*later*
THE DEACONS & Brian & Chrissy decided to go to Australia cuz the people there have uberaccents. They didn't get lost this time, and got there safely. They had so much fun that Brian decided to take some Australia home with him. He somehow managed to stuff 3 baby kangaroos (or 'joeys') into a suitcase and make it past airport security.
*at home*
Brian was going to give the joeys to his childs, but he realized he had 3 joeys, and only 2 kids since ERM was dead. Because he's sorta mental, he gave them to Chrissy. However, Chrissy didn't want them! So she gave them to Veronica. Ronnie realized that there were only
baby kangaroos, so she asked Chrissy why she'd told her she had 3 joeys to get rid of. Chrissy explained how whilst at Brian's one of them had somehow 'accidentaly' been eaten by Jeff Beck. Veronica was ubermad that Chrissy had tried to rip her off, so she made Chrissy get her another joey. Chrissy misunderstood, and instead of getting Veronica another kangaroo, she got her Joey Kramer. Ronnie loooked at him and said "WTF" and went to find John.
*Brian time now*
Brian was sad because he suddenly realized E.R.M. was uberdead (not just dead, but uberdead.) and he decided to have a memorial service for her. He invited THE DEACONS, Jeff Beck, Roger & friends, and Chrissy. They had a service, then went to Pizza Hut. They had fun. Lots of fun. Uberfun. Pizza Hut fun.
*later, but still Brian time*
Brian decided to build a boat. Wait, no, he did that already. He decided to build a... house. No, he doesn't need another house. A... no, an island.
He realized that was hard, so he hired Rog’s kid herd to build it for him.
*later*
The herd was done. Brian went over to his island and started Living On his Own. He soon became lonely, then depressed, so he decided to fashion a canoe out of a log. He got it finished and decided to canoe across the English Channel. He set a world record! (Good for Brian!) He was ϋberhappy and he went to tell Chrissy! Chrissy was also ϋberhappy! Everyone was ϋberhappy! Even ϋberskinnypuppy! (Who lives with Brian & his family now.) Über ÜBERHAPPY TIME!
*later*
Everyone was still ϋberhappy!
*more later*
Everyone was still ϋberhappy, but they decided to do other things besides jumping up & down, screaming, laughing, and hugging each other, so they… bought a Skittles factory! Brian made ϋberlots of money off his Skittles factory, so he bought a hand sanitizer factory… and ANOTHER Skittles factory.
*later*
With all his $, Brian bought ϋberlots of vodka and watermelons and took them to Roger’s house to teach him how to make vodkamelon. (If you cut a hole in a watermelon and fill it with vodka, the watermelon will soak up the vodka & become vodkamelon. Seriously.) Because Roger is ϋbermental, he didn’t want to eat the vodkamelon, thinking it was just plain watermelon. Brian made him eat it using his ϋberlazer x-ray vision. Roger did, and became completely addicted to them. Completely! Brian then left.
*a few days later*
Brian had nothing else to do, so he went back to Roger’s house to see what he was up to. Roger was ÜBER ϋberhugenormous! He’d eaten 500 vodkamelons & had gained 400 pounds (because of all the liquid in vodkamelons)!! Brian realized he’d made a huge mistake (introducing Roger to vodkamelons) and took him to VMAA (vodkamelon addicts anonymous) meetings to help him overcome his addiction.
*later*
Brian was happy. Extremely happy. Why? Because he was going to … Rory and Luke’s World of Awesome! He wanted to ride every single rollercoaster and eat ϋberlots of cotton candy!
*when he got there*
He was having fun until he saw an ϋberdorktastic ϋbersmallbaby eating an ϋberhuge cotton elephant. Brian, mistaking it for a real elephant, punched out the little kid and ‘saved’ the elephant. (As we all know, Brian supports the ethical treatment of animals, and he did not like the idea of someone eating an elephant.) When he found out the elephant was only cotton candy, he got even madder and punched out the kid’s mom, too. Rory, who just happened to be there, got mad and yelled at Brian for punching out her customers. Brian didn’t like getting yelled at, so he punched Rory in the back of the head. This made Brian remember just how fun it was to punch people in the back of their heads, so he went on a head-punching spree. He skipped around, punching whoever he saw. He found Kevin Jonas and punched him so hard that he flew off the edge of the Earth & in to space, never to be seen again. This made Brian WAAAAY ÜBERHAPPY, so he went home to get Chrissy. The two of them went skipping around punching people ‘til they could punch no more. At one point, Chrissy fell down (which made Brian laugh) and hurt her elbow. Then Brian got mad at the ground for making her fall, so he punched it ϋberhard – no! – ϋberpowerfully, and every single bone in his arm & hand SHATTERED! (Poor Brian.) Chrissy tried to bring him to the ER (emergency room, not Emily Ruth) but her elbow hurt too much, so she just sat on Brian’s shattered arm and cried. Brian (who was in too much pain to feel pain, if you know what I mean) just started bobbing his head like a parakeet & singing “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts…”
*later*
Brian and Chrissy had fallen asleep, and when Brian woke up he suddenly realized he was in extreme pain! He screamed, but it was 100% opposite of a Roger scream. It was ϋberlow and quiet, not ϋberhigh and piercing. This scared the crap out of Chrissy (not literally) and she got mad at Brian. Brian then got mad at Chrissy for getting mad at him. Then Chrissy got mad at Brian for being mad at her. She slapped him and asked for…
ÜBERDIVORCE!
*awkward silence*
*crickets chirping*
Brian was flabbergasted. WTF was Chrissy thinking?!? He suddenly went numb and felt no arm pain. Chrissy stood up and walked off. Brian was angry. Brian was sad. Brian was (of course) also slipping into deep depression. He sat on the ground and cried. Then he went to find John (because John is his friend, and Brian needs friends right now).
*wherever Chrissy ended up*
Chrissy realized she’d made a mistake. NOT. (Chrissy’s dumb) She felt good and free, so she set off on a quest to find… Joe Perry.
*Brian time now*
John realized how serious the situation was, so he took Brian out for pie. Then they went go-karting at Roger’s house. Brian felt a little better, but was still sad. John told Veronica about Brian’s problem, and (after some yelling) she decided Brian could stay with them. (You have to remember, Brian’s ϋbermonsterginormous, so he’d eat A LOT of food and take up lots of space, etc.) Suddenly Brian remembered his arm was SHATTERED and in horrendous pain. John didn’t want to bring him to the hospital (because he’s sick of hospitals) so he asked Felix politely if he’d make some sort of arm-healing machine. Felix said yes, and John told Brian to wait. Brian did not like this however, as he was in ϋberextreme pain. John just force-fed him baby-carrots for a while until he felt better.
*later (45 minutes to be exact)*
Felix was done, so he drove his ϋberdeliverytruck to John’s house. When he got there, John & Brian came outside. They expected some big ϋber machine of some sort, but Felix just went into his ϋberdeliverytruck and came out with a pill. He hadn’t thought of a name for it yet, so he just gave it to Brian without saying anything ϋber. Brian took it, and instantly felt better! Hurray for Felix! Brian thanked Felix, and Felix went home.
*later (again)*
John and Brian were watching BBC News and they saw that Felix had been arrested for drug possession.
*Chrissyland*
Chrissy had found Joe, but Joe had said “Who the heck are you?” and poked her in the eye. This made Chrissy realize that not only was she being stupid, she also hadn’t actually divorced Brian, and she realized she still loved him. She began walking slowly back to England.
*Meanwhile*
John and Brian were hatching a plan to spring Felix out of jail. They figured out everything – they even got black burglar outfits. As they were leaving, Roger came by and wanted to go too. He wouldn’t stop whining, screaming, and singing ϋberhigh, so they let him come. Unfortunately Brian & John only had 2 black outfits, so Roger had to wear what he was currently wearing, which happened to be his “Christmas” clothes. They went to the jail, and when Roger found out why they were there (he didn’t know before) he began screaming – “In the Lap of the Gods” screaming. It knocked everyone unconscious except for Roger (obviously), Brian, John, and Felix. They got Felix and left.
*Chrissyland*
Chrissy became stuck when she realized England was an island. An island that was surrounded by water (duh). So, thinking smartly, she bought a plane ticket – except it was to Germany. Then she got another one – to Norway. Eventually she made it back to England & found Brian. She exclaimed “I don’t want a divorce anymore!” and gave Brian an ϋberbig hug. Brian found this to be a bit awkward, so he quickly broke free and punched her (you guessed it) in the back of the skull. Chrissy got mad (obviously) and went to find Dom.
*later*
Chrissy found Brian again, and (with the help of Dom), she tied him up with bungee cords. This didn’t hold Brian, however, and he gave Dom a speedy smash to the tête. Then he skipped off, happily making ϋberquiet giggling noises. MENTAL
*laterer*
Brian had skipped all the way to John’s house. When he arrived, he found Chrissy waiting for him. Busted. He turned around and began skipping running sprinting away. However, Chrissy had something Brian did not – a vehicle! (No, it was not a grapefruit-flavoured tractor) It was… THE BATMOBILE! Chrissy explained how, deep down inside, Brian was actually Batman! Chrissy explained how she was Catwoman, and Roger was Robin. Brian did not understand, so he went to Rory’s house.
*at Rory’s house*
Brian picked up Olivia (aka ‘the smart kid’) and they went to the movies. They watched some very scary movie, but they weren’t scared. They just analyzed different shots and lighting techniques until they got kicked out of the theatre. Then they decided to make a movie. Felix wanted to help, but Olivia told him “No, Mr. Felix. You are not invited to assist us in our movie-making project, as we prefer to have people watch and enjoy it – not die.” Felix was ϋbercrushed, so he went to Dom’s house for ϋberfries.
*later*
Brian and Olivia had decided to make their movie a scary science-fiction movie. They hired Meagan Fox & Kristen Stewart to play evil alien twins, and that vampire guy (Robert Pattinson, or whatever) to play the leading guy. The filming went well, and the movie was pretty scary. Felix was still mad because they didn’t let him help, so at midnight on the day before it was to be shown in theatres, he snuck into wherever the movie was being kept and turned it into… ÜBERSCARYMOVIE! Nobody knew this except Felix, so the movie was still released and (you probably guessed it) people were dropping like flies because the movie was so ϋberscary that they couldn’t handle it. Even the people who had acted in the movie died when they watched it. Brian and Olivia got in trouble for making a movie that was lethal, and they immediately realized Felix had messed up their masterpiece. They went out to find Felix, and when they found him they gave him staredowns that were so ÜBERINTENSE that Felix burst into flames! Felix ran away crying, and he managed to Put Out the Fire, because he is ϋberkid (well, ϋberman now…) and he’s also done with this. Brian & Olivia were happy that they’d ‘avenged’ their scary movie, so they went out for salad at a 24-hour salad buffet.
*24-hours later*
Brian & Olivia were done eating salad. Unfortunately, Olivia had too much, and she got mildly ill. Instead of taking her to the hospital (people go there way too often) Brian took her to his house, where he made he feel well again. Then they got to work on their second major project (remember ϋbertimemachine? Well, that was major project #1). They did not tell anyone about it because it was a secret.
*Chrissyland, again*
Chrissy Catwoman was having a hard time saving the world by herself, so she called Roger Robin, and Flash Gordon. Then, unfortunately, Catwoman got shot (somehow) by Freddie’s mirror bazooka. She fell to the ground, defeated. Flash nursed her back to health, and unfortunately (for Brian), Chrissy fell in love with Flash.
*alright…*
Brian & Olivia (who was now officially Brian’s BFF) were almost done Major Project #2, even though they’d only started a few minutes ago. Brian decided now was the time to tell everyone what he and Olivia had created (– a baby! JUST KIDDING!) He called everyone to his house and said “Hello, Dear Friends. I would like to tell you something that will soon end up in the News of the World (the actual paper, not the album). Olivia and I have successfully completed Major Project #2. It is so epic; so intense; so incredibly ϋber, that Roger may not be able to handle it and may have to leave. It is…
ÜBERSPACESHIP!”
Sure enough, as soon as Brian said that, Roger collapsed and slipped into a coma.
*later that day*
Olivia had been sent (by Brian) to astronaut school, because she’s been told (by Brian) that she’d have to be a real astronaut to go into space. She passed the whole thing in 2 weeks! (Pretty amazing, considering she’s a small child, and astronauts usually take years to pass astronaut school.) *author’s note: if you didn’t already know Olivia was ubersmart, read The Story of Rory.* Brian wasn’t surprised that Olivia had passed so quickly, so the two decided to get ready to go to space.
*a few days later*
They were all ready to go to space, and Olivia couldn’t contain her excitement! She was running around all over the place, singing songs, and jumping up and down. Brian was triple-checking everything on the space ship to make sure it was safe, but then he remembered it was UBERSPACESHIP, and there was no way it could possibly fail. He said goodbye to his family and made sure to put UBERTIMEMACHINE somewhere where nobody would ever find it. Then he and Olivia went to space.
*in space*
Brian & Olivia were having fun. Lots of fun. Space fun. Lots of space fun. UBERLOTS OF SPACE FUN! They sang ’39 all the time, and Brian was teaching Olivia how to play it on the guitar. This made Olivia uberhappy, so she started teaching Brian how to make paper snowflakes. They were having fun. Lots of fun. Creative fun. Suddenly they saw a planet right in front of UBERSPACESHIP! (Suddenly—yeah right. How can a planet ‘suddenly’ appear?) Brian carefully piloted the ship and took it in for a smooth landing. They found a new planet! They quickly decided to go do a bunch of technical planet-mapping stuff, then go home.
*when they got home*
Brian’s suspicions had been confirmed. The Earth was not the same as what it was when they’d left. It was now 2999! Brian quickly found UBERTIMEMACHINE (which he’d stashed away under UBERINVISIBILTY CLOAK—another of Felix’s über inventions) and he and Olivia went back to whatever year it was when they left.
*when they got there*
Nobody remembered that they’d left (even though Brian set the time machine to go back to 10 minutes after they’d gone to space). This frustrated Brian, so he got uberangry, tried to drive UBERTANK off a cliff, decided that wasn’t a good idea, stared down a random person who happened to be walking by until he burst into flames, then wrote a song about a family member. Then he felt better, so he took Olivia out for veggie-burgers. Unfortunately, Chrissy & Flash had gone to the same place for burgers, too, and Brian caught Chrissy. Busted. He wasn’t angry, though. He was UBEREXTREMELY MAD! He yelled uberloudly, then punched Flash so hard in the back of the head that his nose shot off his face. This made Flash incredibly upset, as Brian had just ruined Flash’s perfect face. Flash yelled at Brian, which made Brian even angrier. They had a huge, epic, superhero battle at the veggie-burger place that lasted for 16 whole days.
*16 days later*
Flash had no facial features left (as they’d all been punched off by Brian) and Brian’s leg had been injured, so he leaned a bit to one side (not like that’s any different.) Poor Chrissy had been scared for life, and Olivia was trying to help her feel better. Suddenly Rory showed up, looking for her kid (obviously), and saw all the destruction. She was shocked and appalled at Brian for being so violent. She took Olivia away and told Brian he wasn’t allowed to see her anymore. Olivia was crushed.
*later on*
Brian had limped back to his house, which made him tired, so he took a nap. When he woke up he checked his answering machine. It had 631 messages! They were all from Rory. She was freaking out. Olivia was being all weird. First, she stopped talking to everyone. Then she was staring at things with the intensity of a thousand suns. Finally, she was also writing poems about people in her family. Brian realized that this sort of behavior was dangerous! Olivia was having a Brian fit, and those usually didn’t end too well. Quickly he realized the only thing he could do was make Olivia happy again. Unfortunately, this proved to be harder than he’d expected. He kidnapped her and took her out for ice crème at UBERICECRÈMECOMPANY, which made Olivia sorta happy. Then they went for a walk to the farmer’s market to buy vegetables and cinnamon buns. This made both Brian & Olivia way too happy for words. So happy, they got married. JUST KIDDING! They decided to go to Super 8. Then they realized Super 8 ain’t that super, so they decided to boycott Super 8. Super 8 went out of business.
*in a few weeks*
Rory had just discovered her ubersmart kid was gone!
*where Brian is*
Brian decided to take USP for a walk. They did lots of stuff. Fun stuff. Uberfun stuff. Uberskinny living being things stuff.
*later*
Brian decided to find out where Chrissy was. He started on his voyage, which didn’t last long as he found Chrissy 5 minutes later, then took Chrissy home. Because Chrissy was in love with Flash, he had written a song for her. He played & sang it, using his ubercooltastic 12-string acoustic. Chrissy thought this was ubersweet of Brian, and fell out of love with Flash.
*afterwards*
Brian decided to buy a grotesque pink mustang for Chrissy. ABSOLUTELY NOT! He decided to take her on a vacation to see the Seven Rock Wonders of the World. They had lots of fun. Uberfun. Rock ‘n’ Roll fun. Then they went to find Louisa. They found her in the basement, starving and gross (as she’d been done there for quite some time without a shower) Chrissy remembered suddenly that she had something to do. She ran away quickly. That left Brian & Louisa alone. Louisa got uberangry at Brian, and she was just about to take Brian down when USP arrived and protected his master! Louisa and USP had a big battle to the death (not really) and Louisa ended up in the hospital, but at least she’s taken her anger out on something. Because she still smelled really bad, Brian took a hugnormous pail of lukewarm soapy water and dumped it on her. Then he chuckled low & quietly. She woke up shrieking “What the heck are you doing, father!? Are you mental?” But Brian simply shouted “WHAT’S GOING ON, LOUISA?!?” in her face uberloudly. Louisa fell unconscious. Brian left.
*later, again*
It was Brian’s turn to sing, but he was too quiet.
*(you know what’s coming next) later*
It was supper time and Chrissy had made veggie-pizza, which Brian thought was WAY UBERTASTY! So ubertasty in fact that he invited Spike Edney over for supper. Then they played Guitar Hero (which Brian played uberwell) for 12 seconds. Chrissy decided she wanted to have a quiet evening alone with Brian (for once), so she kicked Spike out. Spike sat on the front step and cried for 2 ¼ hours. Meanwhile, Chrissy and Brian were looking through Sears catalogues and making fun of stuff. Brian then decided it would be more fun to do something else, so they broke into John’s house to play his new video game… SSBB! (Super Smash Bros Brawl, btw) When John found out her wasn’t angry. He just sat down and played as well. Then Roger came and began acting mental (you will be surprised with what’s coming next) Just kidding. He was actually acting quite normal. John-normal even! He just sat down and watched, and gave a (non-uberdorktastic) high-5 to whoever won. Just kidding- NOT!
After a while, Brian & Chrissy were getting bored of SSBB, so they left. They went home and watched the Notebook. JUST KIDDING! They went home and watched Coupling. They laughed uberlots. Then Cameron & Lola came over (even though they’re not Brian & Chrissy’s kids) and they watched Pirates. Brian & Chrissy couldn’t stop talking about Jack Davenport (the guy from Coupling AND Pirates!) and Cameron & Lola got mad and left. Then Brian & Chrissy went back to watching Coupling. They watched every single episode ever, and they ended up falling asleep on their plush sofa.
*in the morning*
Brian & Chrissy had sunken into their ubersquishy couch, and they couldn’t get out. Luckily they had a handy cellphone, called UBERCELLPHONE, and called UBERMAN who brought UBERSAW to cut their plush soda in half. JK. He came over and pulled them out using his UBERAWESOMENESS. Then he left. Chrissy then cooked up some brussel sprouts & turnips for breakfast. After breakfast Bri & Chris went white water rafting. They had fun. Lots of fun. Uberfun. White water rafting fun. Then they listened to Queen records (vinyl ones). They listened to the works: The Works, A Night at the Opera, A Kind of Magic, Sheer Heart Attack, and many more. They had fun. Lots of fun. Queen music fun. Then Chrissy remembered she was Brian’s # 1 fan! She made him crafts and asked for his autograph. Then she remembered she was actually married to Brian, and she fainted. Brian looked at her like she was mental—wait! That’s because she is! Anyways, Brian revived her and they went to the movies. They watched Zombieland, which scared the crap out of both of them. For the next 31 ¾ nights, they had nightmares about zombies and Woody H. Eventually they decided that they could solve this problem by NEVER SLEEPING! That only worked for a couple days/nights before they both became so ubertired that they both collapsed in the middle of the hallway on the way to their bedroom. They awoke 3 days later on top of a combine that tasted like grapefruit. Just kidding. They awoke on top of their bed. It turned out new-and-improved Rogellio had found them in the hallway, so he put them there. Somehow he knew that’s where they were going…
I still need to finish typing. Don’t worry—the story doesn’t end there!
*after they had ice cream*
Brian and John decided to go snowshoeing, down the sidewalk (because they are not as dumb as Rufus and they realize they could go down the sidewalk, not the road.) Soon they realized this was dumb, since it was not winter time. Instead, they decided to go on a voyage -- but not just any voyage... it was an Ubervoyage!! A voyage to find Roger, cuz they needed his help to make this story more mental. They went to Tokyo to pick up some llamas for riding around town on during their ubervoyage to find Roger.
*after a few days of boring ubervoyage*
They found Roger! He was sitting on a muskrat and eating Oreo Cakesters. Brian said "Hello Rogellio. You're fat because you love eating crappy, overprocessed foods like Twinkies!" This made Roger angry, so he tried to get up and fight Brian (even though that is NOT a good idea!) but he couldn't get up because he was uberhugenormous. Then Rufus came, scared the crap out of his dad, then left quickly. Roger then suffered a series of Sheer Heart Attacks, and Brian had to strap him to a llama & trot on down to the hospital. John didn't want to go because he doesn't like hospitals, and he was suddenly overcome by a crippling fear of llamas. (Poor John)
When Brian got to the hospital Roger was so morbidly obese that no matter how many people tried to bring Roger into the hospital, no one could get him inside, so they had to bring hospital stuff outside to help Roger. Anyways, now that Roger was being taken care of, Brian left & went to his house to see his family (since Brian is not like Roger -- he's very nice to his wife & family). When he got home Chrissy had made steamed broccoli & salad -- one of Brian's uberfavourites! He ate it uberfast then started to walk to bed 'cuz he was ubertired from his (+ John's) ubervoyage, but he didn't make it. He fell on uberhugenormouspillowmountain (the second). Then he started snoring uberloud, so Jimmy rolled him down the hall to his bedroom. Chrissy tried to lift him, but she couldn't because Brian's uberhugenormous! (but not in an obese Roger way). Then Chrissy collapsed on top of Brian (but not in an ubergrotesque way) and Louisa had to come & roll her off.
*when Brian awoke*
Brian wondered how he got to his bedroom, so he opened his sparkly pink diary and wrote: "I fell into a pillow mountain and magically awoke in my room." mental. So anyways, Brian soon realized he was being a bit gay, so he borrowed Roger's evil scientist smile & burned his diary, one page at a time...
*a few hours later*
Brian finally finished burning his diary. He decided to visit Roger (who was in the hospital still), but didn't stay long cuz Roger was hallucinating. Roger kept seeing uberlots of Hot Space stuff. Brian left and came back with some vodka, which made Roger uberhappy. Unfortunately, it also got Brian kicked out of the hospital, since alcohol isn't allowed in hospitals. Brian then went home.
*on the way home*
Brian saw Jeff Beck pop his head 'round the corner. The two of them went to a little sweet shop & started beating people with shoes. Roger came to join in the fun, but he was hit with a shoe and knocked out. (Poor Roger. Not.) Then Jeff came and tried to revive Roger with UBERBUBBLE! It didn't work, and Felix had to come with his uber gum taker-outer (remember - he had to use it on Clare's cat before) to take the gum out of Roger's hair. That also didn't work, and all of Roger's hair came out.
*back to Brian*
Brian & Jaff went to Brian's house. Chrissy saw Jeff and got sad, because she hadn't made enough supper for everyone, so she shoved Louisa into the basement and gave her supper to Jeff.
*temporary John break*
John found Roger and wanted to cut off his hair (remember his barber degree) but was sad when he saw someone had already beat him to it.
*back to Brian*
Brian ate so much he became 600 pounds! Just kidding! He became uberhyper. He began painting his house with Kool-Aid... again. Jeff helped, and soon his whole house was grape-purple and lime-green. Chrissy was angry and started to yell at Brian, but Brian said "Stop yelling at me, or I'll leave you for Anita" and Chrissy shut up. (Poor Chrissy.) Jeff didn't think that was very nice, so he smoked Brian upside the skull with one of Brian's Red Special replicas. Brian mistook the Red Special replica for the original one, and became uberangry & had a Brian - wait no, Roger - fit. This terrified Jeff, so he invited Paul Rodgers to Brian's house. Brian was MAD! He freaked out and went to Anita's house. Jeff & PR followed him, so he grabbed Anita & started smaking JB & PR with her. "Un"fortunately this killed both Anita AND Paul Rodgers! Oh well.
*later*
When Brian came back to his house, he found creepy not-old-man bald Roger drinking uberlots of alcohol. Brian suddenly had an urge to kiss Roger.
JUST KIDDING!
He had an urge to drink uberlots of alcohol as well. He did, and soon forgot about Jeff Beck "stabbing him in the back".
*sometime after the present moment*
Brian realized he'd been quite rude to Chrissy, so he took her on a second honeymoon, or something equally nice.
*after that*
When they came back they found a, no, the uberskinnypuppy. It also had rabies. It came to Brian's advantage when Joe Jonas came by. He told uberskinnypuppy with rabies to attack him. He decided to keep ?USPw/R in the garage, 'cuz Brian likes him now. then USPw/R went hunting for the other 2 Jonas Brothers to kill them. (Good USP!)
*whatever*
Dominique came to Brian's house to visit Roger. Because this is Brian's story, Dom found Roger & they quickly left.
*back to Brian*
Since Brian is nice (not as nice as John, but nice) he decided to start up a dog (not cat, cuz cats are dumb) rescue shelter. Unfortunately whilst on it's quest to kill the Jonas Brothers, Uberskinnypuppy got shooted. Brian found out and got sad, so he called his shelter "The Dog Rescue Center That Was Inspired By and Is Dedicated to Uberskinnypuppy with Rabies" or "TDRCTWIBAIDTUSPw/R" for short. He sent people to look for USPw/R, and he was found, and he DID not DIE! They fixed him up, but he lost the 'R' (somehow), so he became USP once again. Incredible!
*meanwhile*
Roger was laughing and he had an uberminiheartattack. HA HA! Just kidding. Then Dominique told him to stop having heart attacks.
*BRIAN!*
Brian & Chrissy were in for a ubersurprise after their honeymoon. Chrissy was pregnant.
JUST KIDDING!
Brian and Chrissy are not having another kid. Ever. (That's Roger's department.)
*in about 32.125 seconds*
John and Veronica came over and THE DEACONS & Brian & Chrissy decided to go to the Mall of America, but got lost on the way and ended up in Gladstone (tards). They took pictures with Happy Rock and ate eclairs from the bakery. They had fun. Uber fun. THE DEACONS & Brian and Chrissy fun.
*later*
THE DEACONS & Brian & Chrissy decided to go to Australia cuz the people there have uberaccents. They didn't get lost this time, and got there safely. They had so much fun that Brian decided to take some Australia home with him. He somehow managed to stuff 3 baby kangaroos (or 'joeys') into a suitcase and make it past airport security.
*at home*
Brian was going to give the joeys to his childs, but he realized he had 3 joeys, and only 2 kids since ERM was dead. Because he's sorta mental, he gave them to Chrissy. However, Chrissy didn't want them! So she gave them to Veronica. Ronnie realized that there were only
baby kangaroos, so she asked Chrissy why she'd told her she had 3 joeys to get rid of. Chrissy explained how whilst at Brian's one of them had somehow 'accidentaly' been eaten by Jeff Beck. Veronica was ubermad that Chrissy had tried to rip her off, so she made Chrissy get her another joey. Chrissy misunderstood, and instead of getting Veronica another kangaroo, she got her Joey Kramer. Ronnie loooked at him and said "WTF" and went to find John.
*Brian time now*
Brian was sad because he suddenly realized E.R.M. was uberdead (not just dead, but uberdead.) and he decided to have a memorial service for her. He invited THE DEACONS, Jeff Beck, Roger & friends, and Chrissy. They had a service, then went to Pizza Hut. They had fun. Lots of fun. Uberfun. Pizza Hut fun.
*later, but still Brian time*
Brian decided to build a boat. Wait, no, he did that already. He decided to build a... house. No, he doesn't need another house. A... no, an island.
He realized that was hard, so he hired Rog’s kid herd to build it for him.
*later*
The herd was done. Brian went over to his island and started Living On his Own. He soon became lonely, then depressed, so he decided to fashion a canoe out of a log. He got it finished and decided to canoe across the English Channel. He set a world record! (Good for Brian!) He was ϋberhappy and he went to tell Chrissy! Chrissy was also ϋberhappy! Everyone was ϋberhappy! Even ϋberskinnypuppy! (Who lives with Brian & his family now.) Über ÜBERHAPPY TIME!
*later*
Everyone was still ϋberhappy!
*more later*
Everyone was still ϋberhappy, but they decided to do other things besides jumping up & down, screaming, laughing, and hugging each other, so they… bought a Skittles factory! Brian made ϋberlots of money off his Skittles factory, so he bought a hand sanitizer factory… and ANOTHER Skittles factory.
*later*
With all his $, Brian bought ϋberlots of vodka and watermelons and took them to Roger’s house to teach him how to make vodkamelon. (If you cut a hole in a watermelon and fill it with vodka, the watermelon will soak up the vodka & become vodkamelon. Seriously.) Because Roger is ϋbermental, he didn’t want to eat the vodkamelon, thinking it was just plain watermelon. Brian made him eat it using his ϋberlazer x-ray vision. Roger did, and became completely addicted to them. Completely! Brian then left.
*a few days later*
Brian had nothing else to do, so he went back to Roger’s house to see what he was up to. Roger was ÜBER ϋberhugenormous! He’d eaten 500 vodkamelons & had gained 400 pounds (because of all the liquid in vodkamelons)!! Brian realized he’d made a huge mistake (introducing Roger to vodkamelons) and took him to VMAA (vodkamelon addicts anonymous) meetings to help him overcome his addiction.
*later*
Brian was happy. Extremely happy. Why? Because he was going to … Rory and Luke’s World of Awesome! He wanted to ride every single rollercoaster and eat ϋberlots of cotton candy!
*when he got there*
He was having fun until he saw an ϋberdorktastic ϋbersmallbaby eating an ϋberhuge cotton elephant. Brian, mistaking it for a real elephant, punched out the little kid and ‘saved’ the elephant. (As we all know, Brian supports the ethical treatment of animals, and he did not like the idea of someone eating an elephant.) When he found out the elephant was only cotton candy, he got even madder and punched out the kid’s mom, too. Rory, who just happened to be there, got mad and yelled at Brian for punching out her customers. Brian didn’t like getting yelled at, so he punched Rory in the back of the head. This made Brian remember just how fun it was to punch people in the back of their heads, so he went on a head-punching spree. He skipped around, punching whoever he saw. He found Kevin Jonas and punched him so hard that he flew off the edge of the Earth & in to space, never to be seen again. This made Brian WAAAAY ÜBERHAPPY, so he went home to get Chrissy. The two of them went skipping around punching people ‘til they could punch no more. At one point, Chrissy fell down (which made Brian laugh) and hurt her elbow. Then Brian got mad at the ground for making her fall, so he punched it ϋberhard – no! – ϋberpowerfully, and every single bone in his arm & hand SHATTERED! (Poor Brian.) Chrissy tried to bring him to the ER (emergency room, not Emily Ruth) but her elbow hurt too much, so she just sat on Brian’s shattered arm and cried. Brian (who was in too much pain to feel pain, if you know what I mean) just started bobbing his head like a parakeet & singing “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts…”
*later*
Brian and Chrissy had fallen asleep, and when Brian woke up he suddenly realized he was in extreme pain! He screamed, but it was 100% opposite of a Roger scream. It was ϋberlow and quiet, not ϋberhigh and piercing. This scared the crap out of Chrissy (not literally) and she got mad at Brian. Brian then got mad at Chrissy for getting mad at him. Then Chrissy got mad at Brian for being mad at her. She slapped him and asked for…
ÜBERDIVORCE!
*awkward silence*
*crickets chirping*
Brian was flabbergasted. WTF was Chrissy thinking?!? He suddenly went numb and felt no arm pain. Chrissy stood up and walked off. Brian was angry. Brian was sad. Brian was (of course) also slipping into deep depression. He sat on the ground and cried. Then he went to find John (because John is his friend, and Brian needs friends right now).
*wherever Chrissy ended up*
Chrissy realized she’d made a mistake. NOT. (Chrissy’s dumb) She felt good and free, so she set off on a quest to find… Joe Perry.
*Brian time now*
John realized how serious the situation was, so he took Brian out for pie. Then they went go-karting at Roger’s house. Brian felt a little better, but was still sad. John told Veronica about Brian’s problem, and (after some yelling) she decided Brian could stay with them. (You have to remember, Brian’s ϋbermonsterginormous, so he’d eat A LOT of food and take up lots of space, etc.) Suddenly Brian remembered his arm was SHATTERED and in horrendous pain. John didn’t want to bring him to the hospital (because he’s sick of hospitals) so he asked Felix politely if he’d make some sort of arm-healing machine. Felix said yes, and John told Brian to wait. Brian did not like this however, as he was in ϋberextreme pain. John just force-fed him baby-carrots for a while until he felt better.
*later (45 minutes to be exact)*
Felix was done, so he drove his ϋberdeliverytruck to John’s house. When he got there, John & Brian came outside. They expected some big ϋber machine of some sort, but Felix just went into his ϋberdeliverytruck and came out with a pill. He hadn’t thought of a name for it yet, so he just gave it to Brian without saying anything ϋber. Brian took it, and instantly felt better! Hurray for Felix! Brian thanked Felix, and Felix went home.
*later (again)*
John and Brian were watching BBC News and they saw that Felix had been arrested for drug possession.
*Chrissyland*
Chrissy had found Joe, but Joe had said “Who the heck are you?” and poked her in the eye. This made Chrissy realize that not only was she being stupid, she also hadn’t actually divorced Brian, and she realized she still loved him. She began walking slowly back to England.
*Meanwhile*
John and Brian were hatching a plan to spring Felix out of jail. They figured out everything – they even got black burglar outfits. As they were leaving, Roger came by and wanted to go too. He wouldn’t stop whining, screaming, and singing ϋberhigh, so they let him come. Unfortunately Brian & John only had 2 black outfits, so Roger had to wear what he was currently wearing, which happened to be his “Christmas” clothes. They went to the jail, and when Roger found out why they were there (he didn’t know before) he began screaming – “In the Lap of the Gods” screaming. It knocked everyone unconscious except for Roger (obviously), Brian, John, and Felix. They got Felix and left.
*Chrissyland*
Chrissy became stuck when she realized England was an island. An island that was surrounded by water (duh). So, thinking smartly, she bought a plane ticket – except it was to Germany. Then she got another one – to Norway. Eventually she made it back to England & found Brian. She exclaimed “I don’t want a divorce anymore!” and gave Brian an ϋberbig hug. Brian found this to be a bit awkward, so he quickly broke free and punched her (you guessed it) in the back of the skull. Chrissy got mad (obviously) and went to find Dom.
*later*
Chrissy found Brian again, and (with the help of Dom), she tied him up with bungee cords. This didn’t hold Brian, however, and he gave Dom a speedy smash to the tête. Then he skipped off, happily making ϋberquiet giggling noises. MENTAL
*laterer*
Brian had skipped all the way to John’s house. When he arrived, he found Chrissy waiting for him. Busted. He turned around and began skipping running sprinting away. However, Chrissy had something Brian did not – a vehicle! (No, it was not a grapefruit-flavoured tractor) It was… THE BATMOBILE! Chrissy explained how, deep down inside, Brian was actually Batman! Chrissy explained how she was Catwoman, and Roger was Robin. Brian did not understand, so he went to Rory’s house.
*at Rory’s house*
Brian picked up Olivia (aka ‘the smart kid’) and they went to the movies. They watched some very scary movie, but they weren’t scared. They just analyzed different shots and lighting techniques until they got kicked out of the theatre. Then they decided to make a movie. Felix wanted to help, but Olivia told him “No, Mr. Felix. You are not invited to assist us in our movie-making project, as we prefer to have people watch and enjoy it – not die.” Felix was ϋbercrushed, so he went to Dom’s house for ϋberfries.
*later*
Brian and Olivia had decided to make their movie a scary science-fiction movie. They hired Meagan Fox & Kristen Stewart to play evil alien twins, and that vampire guy (Robert Pattinson, or whatever) to play the leading guy. The filming went well, and the movie was pretty scary. Felix was still mad because they didn’t let him help, so at midnight on the day before it was to be shown in theatres, he snuck into wherever the movie was being kept and turned it into… ÜBERSCARYMOVIE! Nobody knew this except Felix, so the movie was still released and (you probably guessed it) people were dropping like flies because the movie was so ϋberscary that they couldn’t handle it. Even the people who had acted in the movie died when they watched it. Brian and Olivia got in trouble for making a movie that was lethal, and they immediately realized Felix had messed up their masterpiece. They went out to find Felix, and when they found him they gave him staredowns that were so ÜBERINTENSE that Felix burst into flames! Felix ran away crying, and he managed to Put Out the Fire, because he is ϋberkid (well, ϋberman now…) and he’s also done with this. Brian & Olivia were happy that they’d ‘avenged’ their scary movie, so they went out for salad at a 24-hour salad buffet.
*24-hours later*
Brian & Olivia were done eating salad. Unfortunately, Olivia had too much, and she got mildly ill. Instead of taking her to the hospital (people go there way too often) Brian took her to his house, where he made he feel well again. Then they got to work on their second major project (remember ϋbertimemachine? Well, that was major project #1). They did not tell anyone about it because it was a secret.
*Chrissyland, again*
Chrissy Catwoman was having a hard time saving the world by herself, so she called Roger Robin, and Flash Gordon. Then, unfortunately, Catwoman got shot (somehow) by Freddie’s mirror bazooka. She fell to the ground, defeated. Flash nursed her back to health, and unfortunately (for Brian), Chrissy fell in love with Flash.
*alright…*
Brian & Olivia (who was now officially Brian’s BFF) were almost done Major Project #2, even though they’d only started a few minutes ago. Brian decided now was the time to tell everyone what he and Olivia had created (– a baby! JUST KIDDING!) He called everyone to his house and said “Hello, Dear Friends. I would like to tell you something that will soon end up in the News of the World (the actual paper, not the album). Olivia and I have successfully completed Major Project #2. It is so epic; so intense; so incredibly ϋber, that Roger may not be able to handle it and may have to leave. It is…
ÜBERSPACESHIP!”
Sure enough, as soon as Brian said that, Roger collapsed and slipped into a coma.
*later that day*
Olivia had been sent (by Brian) to astronaut school, because she’s been told (by Brian) that she’d have to be a real astronaut to go into space. She passed the whole thing in 2 weeks! (Pretty amazing, considering she’s a small child, and astronauts usually take years to pass astronaut school.) *author’s note: if you didn’t already know Olivia was ubersmart, read The Story of Rory.* Brian wasn’t surprised that Olivia had passed so quickly, so the two decided to get ready to go to space.
*a few days later*
They were all ready to go to space, and Olivia couldn’t contain her excitement! She was running around all over the place, singing songs, and jumping up and down. Brian was triple-checking everything on the space ship to make sure it was safe, but then he remembered it was UBERSPACESHIP, and there was no way it could possibly fail. He said goodbye to his family and made sure to put UBERTIMEMACHINE somewhere where nobody would ever find it. Then he and Olivia went to space.
*in space*
Brian & Olivia were having fun. Lots of fun. Space fun. Lots of space fun. UBERLOTS OF SPACE FUN! They sang ’39 all the time, and Brian was teaching Olivia how to play it on the guitar. This made Olivia uberhappy, so she started teaching Brian how to make paper snowflakes. They were having fun. Lots of fun. Creative fun. Suddenly they saw a planet right in front of UBERSPACESHIP! (Suddenly—yeah right. How can a planet ‘suddenly’ appear?) Brian carefully piloted the ship and took it in for a smooth landing. They found a new planet! They quickly decided to go do a bunch of technical planet-mapping stuff, then go home.
*when they got home*
Brian’s suspicions had been confirmed. The Earth was not the same as what it was when they’d left. It was now 2999! Brian quickly found UBERTIMEMACHINE (which he’d stashed away under UBERINVISIBILTY CLOAK—another of Felix’s über inventions) and he and Olivia went back to whatever year it was when they left.
*when they got there*
Nobody remembered that they’d left (even though Brian set the time machine to go back to 10 minutes after they’d gone to space). This frustrated Brian, so he got uberangry, tried to drive UBERTANK off a cliff, decided that wasn’t a good idea, stared down a random person who happened to be walking by until he burst into flames, then wrote a song about a family member. Then he felt better, so he took Olivia out for veggie-burgers. Unfortunately, Chrissy & Flash had gone to the same place for burgers, too, and Brian caught Chrissy. Busted. He wasn’t angry, though. He was UBEREXTREMELY MAD! He yelled uberloudly, then punched Flash so hard in the back of the head that his nose shot off his face. This made Flash incredibly upset, as Brian had just ruined Flash’s perfect face. Flash yelled at Brian, which made Brian even angrier. They had a huge, epic, superhero battle at the veggie-burger place that lasted for 16 whole days.
*16 days later*
Flash had no facial features left (as they’d all been punched off by Brian) and Brian’s leg had been injured, so he leaned a bit to one side (not like that’s any different.) Poor Chrissy had been scared for life, and Olivia was trying to help her feel better. Suddenly Rory showed up, looking for her kid (obviously), and saw all the destruction. She was shocked and appalled at Brian for being so violent. She took Olivia away and told Brian he wasn’t allowed to see her anymore. Olivia was crushed.
*later on*
Brian had limped back to his house, which made him tired, so he took a nap. When he woke up he checked his answering machine. It had 631 messages! They were all from Rory. She was freaking out. Olivia was being all weird. First, she stopped talking to everyone. Then she was staring at things with the intensity of a thousand suns. Finally, she was also writing poems about people in her family. Brian realized that this sort of behavior was dangerous! Olivia was having a Brian fit, and those usually didn’t end too well. Quickly he realized the only thing he could do was make Olivia happy again. Unfortunately, this proved to be harder than he’d expected. He kidnapped her and took her out for ice crème at UBERICECRÈMECOMPANY, which made Olivia sorta happy. Then they went for a walk to the farmer’s market to buy vegetables and cinnamon buns. This made both Brian & Olivia way too happy for words. So happy, they got married. JUST KIDDING! They decided to go to Super 8. Then they realized Super 8 ain’t that super, so they decided to boycott Super 8. Super 8 went out of business.
*in a few weeks*
Rory had just discovered her ubersmart kid was gone!
*where Brian is*
Brian decided to take USP for a walk. They did lots of stuff. Fun stuff. Uberfun stuff. Uberskinny living being things stuff.
*later*
Brian decided to find out where Chrissy was. He started on his voyage, which didn’t last long as he found Chrissy 5 minutes later, then took Chrissy home. Because Chrissy was in love with Flash, he had written a song for her. He played & sang it, using his ubercooltastic 12-string acoustic. Chrissy thought this was ubersweet of Brian, and fell out of love with Flash.
*afterwards*
Brian decided to buy a grotesque pink mustang for Chrissy. ABSOLUTELY NOT! He decided to take her on a vacation to see the Seven Rock Wonders of the World. They had lots of fun. Uberfun. Rock ‘n’ Roll fun. Then they went to find Louisa. They found her in the basement, starving and gross (as she’d been done there for quite some time without a shower) Chrissy remembered suddenly that she had something to do. She ran away quickly. That left Brian & Louisa alone. Louisa got uberangry at Brian, and she was just about to take Brian down when USP arrived and protected his master! Louisa and USP had a big battle to the death (not really) and Louisa ended up in the hospital, but at least she’s taken her anger out on something. Because she still smelled really bad, Brian took a hugnormous pail of lukewarm soapy water and dumped it on her. Then he chuckled low & quietly. She woke up shrieking “What the heck are you doing, father!? Are you mental?” But Brian simply shouted “WHAT’S GOING ON, LOUISA?!?” in her face uberloudly. Louisa fell unconscious. Brian left.
*later, again*
It was Brian’s turn to sing, but he was too quiet.
*(you know what’s coming next) later*
It was supper time and Chrissy had made veggie-pizza, which Brian thought was WAY UBERTASTY! So ubertasty in fact that he invited Spike Edney over for supper. Then they played Guitar Hero (which Brian played uberwell) for 12 seconds. Chrissy decided she wanted to have a quiet evening alone with Brian (for once), so she kicked Spike out. Spike sat on the front step and cried for 2 ¼ hours. Meanwhile, Chrissy and Brian were looking through Sears catalogues and making fun of stuff. Brian then decided it would be more fun to do something else, so they broke into John’s house to play his new video game… SSBB! (Super Smash Bros Brawl, btw) When John found out her wasn’t angry. He just sat down and played as well. Then Roger came and began acting mental (you will be surprised with what’s coming next) Just kidding. He was actually acting quite normal. John-normal even! He just sat down and watched, and gave a (non-uberdorktastic) high-5 to whoever won. Just kidding- NOT!
After a while, Brian & Chrissy were getting bored of SSBB, so they left. They went home and watched the Notebook. JUST KIDDING! They went home and watched Coupling. They laughed uberlots. Then Cameron & Lola came over (even though they’re not Brian & Chrissy’s kids) and they watched Pirates. Brian & Chrissy couldn’t stop talking about Jack Davenport (the guy from Coupling AND Pirates!) and Cameron & Lola got mad and left. Then Brian & Chrissy went back to watching Coupling. They watched every single episode ever, and they ended up falling asleep on their plush sofa.
*in the morning*
Brian & Chrissy had sunken into their ubersquishy couch, and they couldn’t get out. Luckily they had a handy cellphone, called UBERCELLPHONE, and called UBERMAN who brought UBERSAW to cut their plush soda in half. JK. He came over and pulled them out using his UBERAWESOMENESS. Then he left. Chrissy then cooked up some brussel sprouts & turnips for breakfast. After breakfast Bri & Chris went white water rafting. They had fun. Lots of fun. Uberfun. White water rafting fun. Then they listened to Queen records (vinyl ones). They listened to the works: The Works, A Night at the Opera, A Kind of Magic, Sheer Heart Attack, and many more. They had fun. Lots of fun. Queen music fun. Then Chrissy remembered she was Brian’s # 1 fan! She made him crafts and asked for his autograph. Then she remembered she was actually married to Brian, and she fainted. Brian looked at her like she was mental—wait! That’s because she is! Anyways, Brian revived her and they went to the movies. They watched Zombieland, which scared the crap out of both of them. For the next 31 ¾ nights, they had nightmares about zombies and Woody H. Eventually they decided that they could solve this problem by NEVER SLEEPING! That only worked for a couple days/nights before they both became so ubertired that they both collapsed in the middle of the hallway on the way to their bedroom. They awoke 3 days later on top of a combine that tasted like grapefruit. Just kidding. They awoke on top of their bed. It turned out new-and-improved Rogellio had found them in the hallway, so he put them there. Somehow he knew that’s where they were going…
I still need to finish typing. Don’t worry—the story doesn’t end there!
